Champagne for my real friends, and real pain for my sham friends

Edward Norton as Monty in '25th hour', a Spike Lee joint.

Australia retain The Ashes!

A week from now this might be the only post with this headline. But I see the Australians winning the last test, thanks to a dogged Aussie performance and some classic English faltering.

This is however subject to a few things. For instance, the Aussies going only with 4 bowlers (not 5 as some seem to suggest) : McGrath, Lee, Warne and Macgill. And retaining the same set of batsmen.

Ponting wins the toss and decides to bat on the first inning wicket. At least that way, it will be way too early for the English bowlers to feign injury for his comfort.

Nice bright sunny day and the Aussie openers put on a good start of 60 odd runs before Langer leaves. Hayden stays on rather stubbornly and carries on till the end of the day, taking his side to 290 odd. And for the loss of 4 wickets.

Hayden goes for 155 in the first half of Day 2 and then Katich and Gilchrist begins the renowned Aussie assault. Gilchrist fires a 60-ball 94 and Katich stays on till the final wicket. Finishes not out on 125, taking Australia to a mamoth 552 in the first innings. Overworked Flintoff and Giles finish with 3 rather costly wickets apiece and a semi-fit Simon Jones unable to find his reverse swing.

The Aussies are clearly in front, an hour from the close of Day 2. In an attempt to reinstate its authority over the series, England races rather quickly to 340. All out but. Bowling highlights : McGrath's return to his measely best and 'wickets-at-regular-interval' performance from the two stawlarts of the series, Warne and Lee. With 15 overs to bowl on Day 3 and an opportunity to enforce the follow on, Ponting decides to bat, in what turns out to be a daring move.

Bob Willis and Ian Botham moan the lack of the usual Aussie killer instinct.

In the second innings, Justin Langer's first hundred of the series takes Australia to a 439 run lead. Pointing declares just after lunch on Day 4, leaving the English fans a little confused on the likely outcome of the series.

With the loud chattering of the Aussie 11 ringing in their ears, the English openers fail comprehensively for the first time. Before Warne begins his first over, the pommies are reduced to 49 - 4. Courtesy McGrath. Flintoff and Pietersen try their best, before a 5-wicket 10-over spell of Macgill demolishes the English. 270 run win and The Ashes travels all the way back to Down Under.

This definitely will not be the resurgence of the ageing Aussie side. But quite clearly, the beginning of the end for this Aussie side in current shape and form.

But, alls well that ends well. Messrs. Sv G E and Beckham can breathe easy. McGrath can retire peacefully. Ponting keeps his job. Hayden, Gilchrist and Gillespie can calmly ponder over their respective future. Nasser Hussain can still strut around proudly. The frown will remain on Stevie Waugh's face. Decision on the 'Best English Allrounder' and 'Best English Cricket Team' can be taken at a more appropriate time. And Captain Marvel, Michael Vaughan can lick his wounds in anticipation of greater things that lie ahead for his side.

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Its always difficult to stick ones neck out. But its made easier, when one is most comfortable with the outcome being completely the opposite!